I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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