My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
