dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
