He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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