Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
