We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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