Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
