Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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