So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
tell me about the eggs
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
