I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
