I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
