Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
