I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
ok first of all what the fuck
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
