My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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