based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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