i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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