My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
