My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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