I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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