i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
