Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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