Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
