he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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