I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
