Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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