I will die if light touches me.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
