shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
