This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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