I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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