i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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