John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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