New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
