I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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