After last night, I could never be a politician.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
