He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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