Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
