I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
