I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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