yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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