I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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