i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
