in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
