My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
