I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
