if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
