My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
