I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
