Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
FUCK WHALES
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