1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
