someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
