how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
