Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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