I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
